After months of ignoring the impending drama that we love and know as New Moon, I actually went to see the movie on opening night. Totally uncharacteristic of me, but in my defense it was not my idea. My friends bought tickets beforehand, and happened to have an extra one.
What?! I had been jonesing for a girls night, so I went.
A girl dressed up like a werewolf was in front of me in line. Many more females walked by with huge tubs of popcorn, clutching blankets emblazoned with Robert Pattinson’s face. And when I finally found a seat in in the theater, I was surprised by the age of many of the attendees (read: middle-aged women). For the majority of the movie, I made snide remarks to my friends about the cheesiness and awkwardness that is so prevalent in the Twilight series. Lines like “You can trust me. I would never hurt you” did not tug at my heart strings like the director had intended, I suppose. Maybe because I’d heard them in 34,902,834,983 other movies, as well…
It wasn’t all horrible, because I can appreciate some man candy every now and then. Fortunately, this movie could just as aptly be named A Showcase of Half-Naked Adolescent Males – cut off jean shorts never looked so good, I tell you. My friend and I argued over how many packs Taylor Lautner has obtained in his abdominal region:
Just look at him! He makes Robert Pattinson look like a pasty, skinny, uptight hobo with a vitamin D deficiency. Eating every two hours, working out for four hours a day… Lautner’s going to be a sex symbol and he’s not even legal yet! Yes, he is only 17. And on an unrelated note, originally from Grand Rapids, Michigan! I love it when good things come out of Michigan.
This also reminds me of the Jimmy Kimmel Show last Friday. Audience members had the opportunity to ask Kristen, Taylor, and Robert questions. Somewhere between an audience member’s obvious stalking incident and another audience member’s marriage proposal, a woman questionably over the age of 30 (so she really has no excuse for her behavior) asked Taylor Lautner to take off his shirt and give it to her. Lautner was predictably astonished. Her reasoning? “You do it [take off your shirt] all the time in the movie…” FOR SHAME, middle-aged woman obsessed with Twilight! Someone please tell her to stop harrassing 17-year-old boys. And while you’re at it, break the news that vampires don’t exist. She’ll be crushed.
Anyway, after wasting 2.5 hours of my life, I went home and pondered where the hell society was headed. The movie didn’t do much for me in terms of thinking or even stretching the limits of my imagination. The gratuitous shirtless scenes (aka the entire movie) were reminiscent, as Jimmy Kimmel so eloquently put it, of “Chippendale vampires”. What could I get out of the movie, if anything?
I found an article entitled 7 Popular Chick Flicks That Secretly Hate Women. And I loved every word of it, although became a bit saddened that some of my favorite romantic comedies were featured on the list. Now I won’t be able to think of them as fondly. But I was overjoyed with the dead-on Twilight criticism. As the author, Erica Cantin, says, “This entire movie [Twilight] is one black-eyed-teen away from being a PSA from 1989.”
So maybe the movie will have some intellectual and cultural value after all…