Dear John: You Look Better on Paper.

Dear John,

I don’t even know where to start. I know this is a delayed response. It’s been approximately two weeks since I saw you, and just now I am writing this…

Let me put it bluntly. It’s taken me this long to write because, as it turns out, I don’t like you. And I hate writing to people I don’t like. Sure, you’re pretty cute… Okay, hot. And admittedly, I do love when you do that thing with your jaw muscle when you get emotional:

Channing Tatum's beautiful jaw

Why, what a good-looking facial muscle you have.

And yes, you have some jammin’ music (Let’s not kid ourselves. I listened to the catchy trailer song multiple times!) What can I say? I’m a huge Snow Patrol fan. But let’s not get off topic – you really do suck.

I spent a whole ten bucks and gas money to see you, and all you gave me was this weak, unbelievable love story. There was like, one inside joke between the “couple” you supposedly were a part of. You spent two weeks together, and you waited for each other for like ten years. You had no real conversations with each other. You were awkward – I felt uncomfortable just watching you attempt to interact.

And THEN the silly girl who was supposed to be marrying YOU married some dude that seemed like her uncle in the movie! And he was old. And dying from cancer. WTF? Oh, and you have a dad with autism? Thanks for the heads up – why didn’t you prepare me for this in the previews?! I actually cried at THAT part and not at any of the romantic parts since I was too busy wincing at those.

I know tons of girls still love you, even if everyone else agrees you were clearly a major FAIL. I, however, have come to the conclusion that you look better on paper. So to use a lame quote from some forgettable movie I won’t remember in another few weeks, I guess “I’ll see you soon then.”

Regards,
N

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